Harco, Honks, and Hellatrix
by 2NiteItBeginz
Summary: This is my plot bunny for a series of oneshots making parodies of some of the more unusual pairings in HP fanfiction.
1. Honks

**HONKS**

**Title:** Harco, Honks, and Hellatrix

**Author:** 2NiteItBeginz

**Pairing:** Harry/Tonks

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything you recognize as being from Harry Potter. It all belongs to JK Rowling, the bitch...

**Warnings:** A bit of swearing to come, not in this chapter, but in the next few, probably... Some slash, for Harco, and maybe some others.

**Summary:** This is my plot bunny for a series of oneshots making parodies of some of the more unusual pairings in HP fanfiction. Please understand that I'm not trying to undermine anyone's fic preferences, this is just a fun thing I'm doing in my spare time, so please don't flame me because I hate your favorite pairings, I don't. In fact, I rather enjoy a few of these.

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

"Tonks? What in the name of all that is holy and sacred are you doing?"

"...Kissing you."

"I had kind of already realized that part, Tonks. But _why _are you kissing me?"

Nymphadora Tonks pouted and then gave Harry a disbelieving look.

"Because we're meant to be together, silly! Even though I'm twenty – three and you're barely sixteen, and it's probably illegal and might lose me my job, I just can't help it! We've bonded so much this summer over our mutual grief over Sirius's death that I've gone and fallen in love with you and your gorgeous body!"

Harry blinked.

Nope.

He blinked again, harder.

It was no use; Tonks was still standing in front of his bed on Privet Drive, looking at him with an expectant, hopeful look on her face. Even her hair seemed anxious, as it kept changing from blue to green to a strange shade of violet and back again.

"Guh," was his intelligent response.

Tonks apparently took this to mean, "Yes, my love, we belong together and I want you to bear my children," because she gave a loud squeal and leaped onto him, practically glomping him to death.

Once Harry got his brain (and his lungs) fully functioning again, he looked at Tonks peculiarly and said, "There are so many things wrong with that, I don't know where to begin."

"Oh, love," Tonks sighed, either missing or deliberately ignoring Harry's suddenly alarmed look, "Don't worry about the age difference, it's only about seven years."

"That wasn't really my main concern, but I'll roll with it. Seven years is a lot to a minor," Harry pointed out.

"Tosh," Tonks dismissed with a wave of her hand.

"Alright, first of all, this is the first time I've even _seen _you all summer. I've talked to _Dudley_ more than I've talked to you. Unless you Obliviated me of it, we haven't had any 'bonding'. And second of all? _Gorgeous body_? Have you been having a go at the Firewhiskey? I'm pale, scrawny, short, and I haven't eaten in about four days. I wasn't aware that was the style."

"Oh, yeah! Well, the scrawny, pale thing, anyway."

"Aaaaaand she's totally missed the point."

"Hey! I'm still standing right here!"

"I know, you puffed up moron! I'm hoping that if I insult you enough, you'll go the bloody hell away and I can wake up from this really strange dream."

"Oh, Harry," Tonks cooed sympathetically, "We'll start with getting rid of that nasty inferiority complex."

Harry blanched. This was just not his day.

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Heya! Hope this was OK, please read and review. Though, if you're at this point, you've probably already read, so, review!


	2. Hellatrix

_**HELLATRIX**_

**Title:** Harco, Honks, and Hellatrix

**Author:** 2NiteItBeginz

**Pairing: **Harry/Bellatrix

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything you recognize as being from Harry Potter. It all belongs to JK Rowling, the bitch...

**Warnings: **language later, probably, and slash for Harco, and maybe a few others

**Summary: **This is my plot bunny for a series of one- shots making parodies of some of the more unusual pairings in HP fanfiction. Please understand that I'm not trying to undermine anyone's fic preferences, this is just a fun thing I'm doing in my spare time, so please don't flame me because I hate your favorite pairings, I don't. In fact, I rather enjoy a few of these.

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Harry woke up with a scowl on his face and a curse on his breath. After yesterday, and what he had dubbed the 'Tonks debacle,' he wasn't about to hold out hope that today would be any less unusual.

Indeed, Harry was proven right, as a deep black raven tapped its talon on his window. He smothered a sigh before getting off the bed and opening the aforementioned window and tentatively taking the letter it held in its claw. After all, those looked really sharp...

Harry watched the raven fly over to Hedwig's perch and shook his head in part wonder, part exasperation as the bird took a sip of the cool water. He took a closer look at the message he now held, and as he went to open it, he noticed the vaguely familiar seal holding it closed.

'Strange,' Harry mused as he broke it. 'It looks like a dog's paw, so it must be from someone in the black family,' He thought, even though it was a Sirius thing to be a dog Animagus, not a Black thing. He read:

_Dear Harry,_

_You do not know me well, nor do I think you would wish to, but that's not the point. I beg of you to not burn or rip up this message, even though you may think I'm a Death Eater and evil and kill and maim Muggles for sport and all that stuff,_

Harry stopped reading and rubbed his eyes. Whoever this was, they couldn't be that proper of a Death Eater, if they described torturous murder, rape, and who knew whatever sort of vile things as 'all that stuff.' He continued on:

_-and I killed one of the only people in this world who meant anything to you, _

Harry stopped again. He was beginning to get a hunch, and it caused a faint sinking feeling in his stomach.

_-but I hope we can become the best of friends and more someday, even though I've been in Azkaban for all those years and probably look about as good as a Banshee. That's no matter, though, I'll just take a de – aging potion and we'll fall in love, along with my sister and my niece, Nymphadora. Anyway, I've been under the Imperius Potion for fifteen years, and my husband has been raping me for almost twice that. There were some points where I was able to fight it, though, which is why I used a stunner instead of the Killing Curse on my favorite cousin Sirius. The Potion acted up again, though, but you broke its hold on me my hitting me with the Cruciatus Curse. Even though Voldemort has cast it on me thousands of times, yours was more powerful, even if I did break it in less than three seconds. Anyway, I'd like to thank you in person for shooting an incredibly illegal and painful curse at me, so if you'll please let me see you, touch the button on the bottom of this letter, and it'll take me straight to you. Of course, I'll probably be wearing an unbelievably revealing nightgown, because that's what _all _dark witches (and some wizards!) wear to bed. I hope you touch the button, even tough if I were as cunning as a Slytherin should be, this could very well be a trap where I made all of that up._

_Sincerely,_

_Bella/Trixy/Trixie/Trix/Latrix Black_

Harry blinked.

He blinked again.

He began banging his head very hard against the windowsill.

This was just not his week.


End file.
